Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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