paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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