You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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