I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
