it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
