I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
