Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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