He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
