I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
