Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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