Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
