Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
