Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
