evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
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My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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