my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
