I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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