Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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