I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
