I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
