next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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