yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
