i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it because I queefed?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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