I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
