Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
