Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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