I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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