her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.