I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me