Michael Bay diarrhea
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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