I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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