took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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