You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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