With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
