Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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