i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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