First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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