we're chasing vodka with high fives
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
