My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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