What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
