Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize