My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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