More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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