so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Randomize
