Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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