Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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