Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
