i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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