Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
