I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
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Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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