God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
