And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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