the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
