if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
