All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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