Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
