so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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