I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
