sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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