Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
