Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
