your thong is hanging out like whoa
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
